Yet Another First Day At Work

I started work again after a 5-day sabbatical that was filled more with dates (Some casual, Some a bit more he he he) than spending it with the people I really wanted to spend time with. The dates were ok but all of them were at the beginning stage (Which basically means I spent more than I should have but it was worth it!) of finding out if there will be sparks or not.

Anyhoo, When I came in to work it was just your typical Monday, follow up on an obscene amount of email, check any case updates that might require my precious attention (I wish I could fit 24 hours in an 8 hour shift), and follow up on the latest in the office.

On the course of the day, One of my co-case managers mentioned a funny story about one of her cases. The customer wanted a replacement. We politely declined because her case simply did not fit the bill for replacement. The customer, irate and adamant at getting what she wanted, kept on rambling about the service and the performance of the unit she purchased. I never did get the exact details but I estimate the conversation to have lasted 15 to 45 mins.

My friend the case manager then decided to send her a free box for service repairs (We usually charge them on the midrange-low end models) of course the customer was elated but had a very important question....

Does the free box contain a replacement model? (Insert comedic drum roll here)

Now do you realize that obnoxiousness and stupidity are not hindered by international borders?

Geez! Thanks for brightening my day Kay, That was fricking awesome! :)

Christ, look at the time!!! I need to try and get some sleep!

When You Are No Longer Welcome In Their Hearts

I walked home tonight coming from the mother of my daughter's home.

I saw this couple holding hands and thought to myself if I would ever experience that again. They were just so sweet and once you saw the way they looked at each other you simply knew they were happy.

While watching them it felt like everything stopped and this couple were the only entities moving. I did feel kind of lonely.

I felt like I was staring so I nudged myself to self-awareness and caught myself thinking, Was I destined to be alone?

I'm not sure what triggered the question but there it was. I felt like it was something that started to eat at me ever since I started seeing my daughter and her mother. I've dated a couple of people, referred by friends, acquaintances, co-workers but never really found anyone I really liked. I then remembered that I have always been comparing my dates to a former ex-girlfriend that was never meant to be. I've never been so overwhelmed by a thought and these sudden rush of emotions made me weak. I knew I missed that particular ex-girlfriend of a couple of months but we still maintain contact once in a while. I simply liked her show of loyalty, her honesty of what she likes and dislikes, that smile that could just melt your heart and respond in a way that a normal heterosexual wouldn't show in public. In her case, you simply couldn't hold that dam intact once she held your hand and smiled at you.

It was bliss.

Pure and absolute bliss.


While writing this post, I simply couldn't get rid of her nor attempt to forget that smile. It was just futile. I remember both the happy moments, the disappointing situations we've fought over, trials we've faced. She inspired to make sure I protected her from her parents whose reaction was disappointment because we were to young at that time, I protected her from every emotional harm that life can dispense when we were together. I remember one time when email was at it's infancy we apologized both at the same time because of some trivial matter both of us fought over. I never intended to write her an email but I did and after sending that email and checked my own (This was the days of POP3 email, webmail was realtively new back then) I thought she replied quickly but as I read it it was apparently something she wrote of her own volition.

I always thought that we would be together but after months we talked, a heartfelt talk, and we knew that we were simply too alike and we thought that eventually this will go on. I asked her if she wanted to stop it, she looked at me and I dreaded the way her eyes answered me. She did provide me a good explanation though as to why and she did make me understand.

The last time we were together was when I was rejected repeatedly by the mother of my daughter. I was dumbfounded when she told me she found, what she thinks is someone she can be with forever. A pinch was all I felt but as soon as the feeling subsided I felt that she was happy. I thought I would be jealous but I didn't, somehow both my mind and heart agreed that we would never wish anything else for her but to be happy. Then it was that smile again, That smile that could make everyone sigh, it made me feel better when I felt cast away, just like what the mother of my daughter did. I was in fact I was surprised that I wasn't.

She did give me a lot of good advice about moving on, seeing other people, start life anew. It was difficult but I would like to thank her for keeping my dark side at bay and showing me the light at the end of that tunnel.

So, Nikki, this post is dedicated to you. Thank you for the laughter, the best advice I've heard from anyone, and the companionship for those multiple situations when I felt rejected and forced down in to a hole. Thank god you were there to get me out or my daughter would have known a different father besides me.

I've pulled you out of your own hole and taught you what I have learned and in turn did the same to me. I wish I could find someone just like you since I assume that everyone I tried to love has found someone else better than me. I just wish everything was different and we would once again conquer the world both alone and together.

I Miss You.

Well, Well, Well Here Is Something New

Well, I checked my email tonight and I was sort of caught off guard by an email from the mother of my daughter. (Nothing much surprises me anymore but this is another first from her)

She apologized. (Insert fanfare sound here)

She never apologizes, or at least she rarely does. I debated upon myself to simply sever ties with this one but it was too simple a path to travel. Besides, my daughter is involved and it would be unfair to keep her away from me too (Yes, I do love my daughter even if it isn't obvious).

Well, after serious thought, I knew that I'd rather take a more complicated route to be with my daughter (Even if the path is more wrought with possible consequences). I forgave her.

I hope the mother of my daughter understands that I made an effort to try again (...and again, and again).

I hope everything becomes more smoother next time. I myself will keep dragging my sorry and tired carcass across the path I have taken alone in an effort to keep everyone happy.

Thank the higher powers that provide me the capacity to forgive, wish they would include a better financial situation so that I can provide for all in need.

Grrrr...

I filed for a 5 day sabbatical hoping that the trip to Pampanga would push through. Our host unfortunately had to pull out according to the people who were looking forward to it then *poof*

He had to go on a review. Oh well, no one can blame him.

Anyways, I took off on Sunday night with a friend and overnighted at her condo fixing her computer, catching up on stories of old.

I told the mother of my daughter that I'd meet them as soon as I got home. Now, all of a sudden she starts yakking up about why I don't see my daughter as often. Guess where this all started, A simple question about why I wasn't told of any activities my daughter has been doing to keep her busy this summer.

Oh god, here we go again....

Hurtful words were passed between messages, me the irresponsible one (Something I am always accused of) and her for not keeping up to speed of what's going on. I said simply that I am not there and I cannot keep asking questions about what is going on from their side as I have a lot of things going on all at the same time. Well, she typically looks down on me and spits at my alleged pitiful efforts to maintain whatever grasp I have as a father to my daughter. Then it ends, I simply kept my cool about the conversation and told her that if she think I am unfit why does she care enough to make it controversial. She responds with a different point, making sure she is not answering any of my questions directed at her. (Hey Nikki, thanks for toughening up this nut!)

As well as I know her she soon sends old messages I've sent her about not giving up (Blah, blah and the whole retinue) on them. Gee, when things get desperate they do try to make a point by digging up the past.

This crap has got to stop. If she wants me to be responsible and make my presence known to my daughter she needs to make it an effort. I've tried making an effort before but she refused. I am accused of never being there when years ago she told me that I was not supposed to have contact nor have rights to our daughter.

That was embarrassing then so I stopped. Now, she makes these demands like a nagging wife. This is exactly the reason I have lost faith in marriage, i don't think I would be able to put up what I have been through before and she expects me to be there?!??!?

*Sigh* I should have followed my policies when breaking up with women. If it ends, there should be no more discussions.

Tonight is going to be another sleepless night and when I wake up, I'll have a migraine from all this thinking.

Wasted Time

Sigh

I haven't seen my daughter yet. I have nothing to show but whatever basic needs she has I don't forget to bring it to them.

There is a lot occupying my mind and the mother of my daughter demands attention that I cannot give.

If she only knew...Perhaps she would understand...Or maybe not.

Who knows?

Time, Stupidity, & The Beginning of Boredom

I feel stupid. I do not know why and can't think of a proper reason to feel this way.

I think that it would be a while before I see my daughter. I'm too busy handling what people ask of me and I've neglected my own needs.

This sucks....

----Nothing Follows----

SM Supersale (Because they got it all!!!)

Most people have never seen me splurge much. I tend to be very shrewd when it comes to money. I never really had much of it as a child so I never grew up with the notion that money is grown on trees.

Since I started working I always kept most of it but somehow they keep slipping from my bank account. (I think there is a hole somewhere in my wallet or there is something funny going on in the bank.)


That's besides the point, truth to tell, When I received my first paycheck, my priority was my daughter but as we all know due to a bad hospital incident on the 15th of December 2002, the fates have decided to let my biological family have all of it. I really did not feel much for losing the money but I would have hoped of at least leaving some for my daughter (Who is not actually mine in the eyes of jurisprudence.) in case they might have need of it.

That was the past but now since I was able to save again for myself, I splurged a little. 8 shirts, a pair of jeans and some knickers were involved in this conspiracy to contribute to the local economy. If you remember well, I was a bad dresser (Ask a certain number of women I used to date and you will have an idea.), perhaps not that bad but they think I really cared about how I look. Well, if this is the case, why would I suddenly spend on something I am not really into?

It is change my dear readers. I am in the process of changing, perhaps the next step to evolution as I continue to exist in this world. Enough of the odd wit that some people very much admire about me. I evolve to a better person and try to disconnect whatever dark past I had before and like the effect of the reset button, slowly change. I have started disentangling myself from certain social circles since they do nothing to contribute to my evolution. Past relationships, acquaintances, friends whom I have not had contact for the past decade have been eradicated from my weary mind. Soon enough, I will forget this present time and continue moving forward and starting anew.

I've been contemplating on striking west on my own to find a future but a certain little person is still in need of me (I hope). Once she finds a better father who will have a better relationship with her mother it will be the time for me to move on. (Hopefully within this first decade because either way....)

This sale was sort of a starting point (Excuse the shallow profundity of the reason) and I will make sure that by the first decade of this millennium people will vaguely remember the person that was.


Till next time then.

...The First Quarter Ends!

This March would be the last month of the first quarter of the year.

Things have been progressing slowly; Seriously not as fast as I wanted it to be.

If you remember that this year's theme in my opinion is Change.

So, what has changed? What indeed? Hmmm....

I get to see my daughter a bit more regularly, I just got a not-so-noticeable pay increase, Dating at this day and age is not a priority and the mother of my daughter is civil but keeps on complaining about the lack of finances to support whatever luxuries she had when she was studying.

I try to keep her in the loop of whatever meager resources I have (Remember that 2GB iPod?). It would seem that I am still trying to keep a spark between us, or at least that is what everyone says.

Of course, I know without a proper compromise that we can both commit too we would be both playing the role of natural enemies till one of us becomes extinct. They say a that this platonic and very, very odd relationship is like treading very dangerous waters. Well, I'm sure it is but I am risk taker and since there is not much happening I am willing to share what I can to those in need.

She even mentioned that I need to buy a study desk for Erin. Well, as soon as I can afford it I don't see why I shouldn't. Erin's very bright and smart for her age but she is very shy in front of other people. It is very sweet but I certainly hope she gets over it as soon as she grows.

As always, I wish them the best of luck. If they are happy well, so am I.

A New, Yet Unwelcome Friend

I made a new friend this past week.

It's name is migraine.

Damn this unwelcome friend! It has caused me to miss 3 days of work which again adds more stacks of cases to handle in the future.

Those past 3 days of productivity loss made me think of what the future holds. The people I care about are mostly outside of the this side of the hemisphere and I miss them. I rarely talk to them because of work and the time difference. The people of the Friday club we called our mischievous group were the closes thing I had to normal way, way back.

This migraine really hurts and it is the first time I've encountered it. I checked with the company doctor on duty and apparently I have been experiencing this for the last 2 years but just lately realizing what it was called as it has become much more persistent in making it's presence known.

I just ignored as a simple headache. (Fun fact: Migraine's can also be signs of a possible aneurysm or so I have heard.)

They call it a complicated migraine, probably brought out from stress, lack of sleep, and other unhealthy activities.

The medical practitioner whom I sought help from tried to pry open what was troubling me. I would have loved to tell him but it is too obscure and many to mention so I deflected the question with another question.

If you knew me well enough, part of that is supporting 2 families although that is not as obvious...

The doctor did try to suggest getting chemical help for sleep. I of course refused because I am not a big fan of sleeping pills. The last time I took a dose, it kept me asleep for more than 12 hours. I woke up still unrefreshed but ready for traveling the urban jungle which is an almost daily event. If you know my work ethic you will realize that I cannot allow myself to succumb to a daily routine of 12 hours of torpor just to keep myself less stressed. The commute itself is time consuming and I do not have a penchant for tardiness unless I am stuck in a no win situation.

So, as I make it through the daily routine, I embrace the problem like an oyster and hope it turns it in to a pearl I can use to my advantage.

A Valentine Snooze

This week was Valentine's week.

I am again dateless, though there is none to blame but myself as I have not been actively looking for dates on this particular month for the past few years or so.

I always tend to find appealing dates on off months. June or July when it starts to rain (I'd blame the wet, cold weather and need some sort of heat ventilating outlet) or on October to November (Blamed on the cold once again)

Now when I read this post over it seems I have limited my very rare romantic periods to odd seasons. I guess it's because I love to shock and leave subtle surprise gawking from another person's face.

Ahh, 'Tis really exhilarating to see the effects you bring on people.

Now back to the dreary days ahead on this odd month of romance.....which is currently a snooze!

Choices

I've finally achieved forgetting most of what I knew in computing. I think I'm ready to take on Linux now and re-learn everything from the ground up. First, I need a decent desktop. As in my previous post Im still deciding what to do.

Choice, choices, choices.

It's hard when you want to do several things all at the same time.

Work has been a bitch. I haven't seen anyone for almost a month. I miss conversations (Intellectual, Interesting, Intriguing), I miss the people I haven't seen in a while (Guys, when are you coming back to this side of the world?)

I miss a lot of things. Sheesh!

Sand, Drugs, and Alcohol

Last year's plans for the whole SILO team seems finalized.

I'm shelling out Php700 for the trip. The truth is I feel wary that one is going to enjoy the trip. I'm not exactly sure why...It could be the pessimist in me or im just not in the mood.

Well, let's hope and perhaps if we play our cards right it might turn to something fun.

I Bought A New iPod!

For the past 2 weeks, it's been work, eat, sleep. It's a vicious cycle that one has to live with. In a sudden twitch against this redundant pattern I've woven myself into, I bought myself a new iPod. It's a 4GB gadget with a silver aluminum skin, that ideally is supposed to be scratch-resistant. For the 2 weeks that I've brought it along during normal commutes to and fro into various destinations - no scratches yet!

The earphones are designed a bit differently. They fit the ears better than the earphones I originally had with the iPod shuffle which is a bit large for the holes of my very petite ears.

Since this is a new purchase, I played the smart card and also threw in a crystal case and a silicon armband. The armband is not what I have hoped for but it does it's job fairly well. The crystal case is your plain vanilla crystal case with a notch at the back for inserting a velcro strap. I've been meaning to look for one but it somehow keeps slipping my mind and I end up with using the crystal case inserted in my pocket.

Once or twice I've used the armband but I always fear that the LCD screen will break since there is no real protection for the LCD part of the silicon armband.

Then again this works for me for the mean time. Maybe next time, a portable dock will be my next purchase with kick ass speakers that has an alarm clock....Yep, that'll work.

Meantime the shuffle has been passed off to my younger sister. Apparently, those hints of getting me to buy her an iPod too eventually paid off.

Such a vicious cycle indeed.

It's A New Year!

After surviving 2006, 'Tis a new year again.

I've been looking forward to this new year. Why you may ask?

Simple...

The word is change.

This year i will be transforming myself from the old [c] hicken to a new fowl!

I am sure that the first quarter will be hard. Change is always hard but you have to survive the changes and of course end up with a new crack on the shell of old. I don't hope for anything drastic, just something new and woderful.

Happy new year!