Monday, April 30, 2007

Event Skipping - Time Away From The World

I've survived, yet another week of work. I finally bought the latest available book from Raymond Feist called, Flight Of The Nighthawks. It was a very short read and I agree on the reviews that this would have been a better side story than part of the main vein of the saga.

Then again it was a change on how the story was approached but a bit similar to Shadow of A Dark Queen.

Anyway, it was entertaining and kept me company for the 3 days I have been reading it.

This would be Kay's last week in our team. I'm sorry to see her go but hey when an opportunity to improve oneself is bidden then you welcome it with open arms. My only regret was not knowing her enough but then again I don't see anything we actually have in common. I find her annoyingly pretty and entertaining. She is very distracting which is why I didn't agree to sit beside her even when she asks. I'm sure she understands.

I didn't go to any parties, dates, or what not this week. I am not in the mood plus there are bills to pay so I cannot afford to risk any funding to unnecessary entertainment.

Speaking of bills, I've already done my part on seeing my daughter and brought her what I was told she needs. In return, she broke my glasses. Just like what any 4-year old will do. I should have taught her how to apologize but then again, I cannot start a lesson and leave it unfinished so I will leave that to the person that will play Father on my behalf which I estimate will be soon enough. The mother of my daughter said nothing but just a simple take care when I left early. I have too much on my mind to worry about it, I'll worry about it next time.

That reminds me, I've already switch brands from Winston Lights to Marlboro Reds. A small change indeed but the other changes I'll make will be slowly detaching myself from others. I think it's about time she had a father who will always be there, not someone who just shows up once a week. I hear that can cause confusion and it might hamper her upbringing. Well, I wish I could be there but not in this lifetime. Unless they provide me a good reason, of course.

That's my time away from the world spent on sleeping and catching up on reading, emails, and this blog.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Yet Another First Day At Work

I started work again after a 5-day sabbatical that was filled more with dates (Some casual, Some a bit more he he he) than spending it with the people I really wanted to spend time with. The dates were ok but all of them were at the beginning stage (Which basically means I spent more than I should have but it was worth it!) of finding out if there will be sparks or not.

Anyhoo, When I came in to work it was just your typical Monday, follow up on an obscene amount of email, check any case updates that might require my precious attention (I wish I could fit 24 hours in an 8 hour shift), and follow up on the latest in the office.

On the course of the day, One of my co-case managers mentioned a funny story about one of her cases. The customer wanted a replacement. We politely declined because her case simply did not fit the bill for replacement. The customer, irate and adamant at getting what she wanted, kept on rambling about the service and the performance of the unit she purchased. I never did get the exact details but I estimate the conversation to have lasted 15 to 45 mins.

My friend the case manager then decided to send her a free box for service repairs (We usually charge them on the midrange-low end models) of course the customer was elated but had a very important question....

Does the free box contain a replacement model? (Insert comedic drum roll here)

Now do you realize that obnoxiousness and stupidity are not hindered by international borders?

Geez! Thanks for brightening my day Kay, That was fricking awesome! :)

Christ, look at the time!!! I need to try and get some sleep!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

When You Are No Longer Welcome In Their Hearts

I walked home tonight coming from the mother of my daughter's home.

I saw this couple holding hands and thought to myself if I would ever experience that again. They were just so sweet and once you saw the way they looked at each other you simply knew they were happy.

While watching them it felt like everything stopped and this couple were the only entities moving. I did feel kind of lonely.

I felt like I was staring so I nudged myself to self-awareness and caught myself thinking, Was I destined to be alone?

I'm not sure what triggered the question but there it was. I felt like it was something that started to eat at me ever since I started seeing my daughter and her mother. I've dated a couple of people, referred by friends, acquaintances, co-workers but never really found anyone I really liked. I then remembered that I have always been comparing my dates to a former ex-girlfriend that was never meant to be. I've never been so overwhelmed by a thought and these sudden rush of emotions made me weak. I knew I missed that particular ex-girlfriend of a couple of months but we still maintain contact once in a while. I simply liked her show of loyalty, her honesty of what she likes and dislikes, that smile that could just melt your heart and respond in a way that a normal heterosexual wouldn't show in public. In her case, you simply couldn't hold that dam intact once she held your hand and smiled at you.

It was bliss.

Pure and absolute bliss.

While writing this post, I simply couldn't get rid of her nor attempt to forget that smile. It was just futile. I remember both the happy moments, the disappointing situations we've fought over, trials we've faced. She inspired to make sure I protected her from her parents whose reaction was disappointment because we were to young at that time, I protected her from every emotional harm that life can dispense when we were together. I remember one time when email was at it's infancy we apologized both at the same time because of some trivial matter both of us fought over. I never intended to write her an email but I did and after sending that email and checked my own (This was the days of POP3 email, webmail was realtively new back then) I thought she replied quickly but as I read it it was apparently something she wrote of her own volition.

I always thought that we would be together but after months we talked, a heartfelt talk, and we knew that we were simply too alike and we thought that eventually this will go on. I asked her if she wanted to stop it, she looked at me and I dreaded the way her eyes answered me. She did provide me a good explanation though as to why and she did make me understand.

The last time we were together was when I was rejected repeatedly by the mother of my daughter. I was dumbfounded when she told me she found, what she thinks is someone she can be with forever. A pinch was all I felt but as soon as the feeling subsided I felt that she was happy. I thought I would be jealous but I didn't, somehow both my mind and heart agreed that we would never wish anything else for her but to be happy. Then it was that smile again, That smile that could make everyone sigh, it made me feel better when I felt cast away, just like what the mother of my daughter did. I was in fact I was surprised that I wasn't.

She did give me a lot of good advice about moving on, seeing other people, start life anew. It was difficult but I would like to thank her for keeping my dark side at bay and showing me the light at the end of that tunnel.

So, Nikki, this post is dedicated to you. Thank you for the laughter, the best advice I've heard from anyone, and the companionship for those multiple situations when I felt rejected and forced down in to a hole. Thank god you were there to get me out or my daughter would have known a different father besides me.

I've pulled you out of your own hole and taught you what I have learned and in turn did the same to me. I wish I could find someone just like you since I assume that everyone I tried to love has found someone else better than me. I just wish everything was different and we would once again conquer the world both alone and together.

I Miss You.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Well, Well, Well Here Is Something New

Well, I checked my email tonight and I was sort of caught off guard by an email from the mother of my daughter. (Nothing much surprises me anymore but this is another first from her)

She apologized. (Insert fanfare sound here)

She never apologizes, or at least she rarely does. I debated upon myself to simply sever ties with this one but it was too simple a path to travel. Besides, my daughter is involved and it would be unfair to keep her away from me too (Yes, I do love my daughter even if it isn't obvious).

Well, after serious thought, I knew that I'd rather take a more complicated route to be with my daughter (Even if the path is more wrought with possible consequences). I forgave her.

I hope the mother of my daughter understands that I made an effort to try again (...and again, and again).

I hope everything becomes more smoother next time. I myself will keep dragging my sorry and tired carcass across the path I have taken alone in an effort to keep everyone happy.

Thank the higher powers that provide me the capacity to forgive, wish they would include a better financial situation so that I can provide for all in need.

Monday, April 16, 2007


I filed for a 5 day sabbatical hoping that the trip to Pampanga would push through. Our host unfortunately had to pull out according to the people who were looking forward to it then *poof*

He had to go on a review. Oh well, no one can blame him.

Anyways, I took off on Sunday night with a friend and overnighted at her condo fixing her computer, catching up on stories of old.

I told the mother of my daughter that I'd meet them as soon as I got home. Now, all of a sudden she starts yakking up about why I don't see my daughter as often. Guess where this all started, A simple question about why I wasn't told of any activities my daughter has been doing to keep her busy this summer.

Oh god, here we go again....

Hurtful words were passed between messages, me the irresponsible one (Something I am always accused of) and her for not keeping up to speed of what's going on. I said simply that I am not there and I cannot keep asking questions about what is going on from their side as I have a lot of things going on all at the same time. Well, she typically looks down on me and spits at my alleged pitiful efforts to maintain whatever grasp I have as a father to my daughter. Then it ends, I simply kept my cool about the conversation and told her that if she think I am unfit why does she care enough to make it controversial. She responds with a different point, making sure she is not answering any of my questions directed at her. (Hey Nikki, thanks for toughening up this nut!)

As well as I know her she soon sends old messages I've sent her about not giving up (Blah, blah and the whole retinue) on them. Gee, when things get desperate they do try to make a point by digging up the past.

This crap has got to stop. If she wants me to be responsible and make my presence known to my daughter she needs to make it an effort. I've tried making an effort before but she refused. I am accused of never being there when years ago she told me that I was not supposed to have contact nor have rights to our daughter.

That was embarrassing then so I stopped. Now, she makes these demands like a nagging wife. This is exactly the reason I have lost faith in marriage, i don't think I would be able to put up what I have been through before and she expects me to be there?!??!?

*Sigh* I should have followed my policies when breaking up with women. If it ends, there should be no more discussions.

Tonight is going to be another sleepless night and when I wake up, I'll have a migraine from all this thinking.