I walked home tonight coming from the mother of my daughter's home.
I saw this couple holding hands and thought to myself if I would ever experience that again. They were just so sweet and once you saw the way they looked at each other you simply knew they were happy.
While watching them it felt like everything stopped and this couple were the only entities moving. I did feel kind of lonely.
I felt like I was staring so I nudged myself to self-awareness and caught myself thinking, Was I destined to be alone?
I'm not sure what triggered the question but there it was. I felt like it was something that started to eat at me ever since I started seeing my daughter and her mother. I've dated a couple of people, referred by friends, acquaintances, co-workers but never really found anyone I really liked. I then remembered that I have always been comparing my dates to a former ex-girlfriend that was never meant to be. I've never been so overwhelmed by a thought and these sudden rush of emotions made me weak. I knew I missed that particular ex-girlfriend of a couple of months but we still maintain contact once in a while. I simply liked her show of loyalty, her honesty of what she likes and dislikes, that smile that could just melt your heart and respond in a way that a normal heterosexual wouldn't show in public. In her case, you simply couldn't hold that dam intact once she held your hand and smiled at you.
It was bliss.
Pure and absolute bliss.
While writing this post, I simply couldn't get rid of her nor attempt to forget that smile. It was just futile. I remember both the happy moments, the disappointing situations we've fought over, trials we've faced. She inspired to make sure I protected her from her parents whose reaction was disappointment because we were to young at that time, I protected her from every emotional harm that life can dispense when we were together. I remember one time when email was at it's infancy we apologized both at the same time because of some trivial matter both of us fought over. I never intended to write her an email but I did and after sending that email and checked my own (This was the days of POP3 email, webmail was realtively new back then) I thought she replied quickly but as I read it it was apparently something she wrote of her own volition.
I always thought that we would be together but after months we talked, a heartfelt talk, and we knew that we were simply too alike and we thought that eventually this will go on. I asked her if she wanted to stop it, she looked at me and I dreaded the way her eyes answered me. She did provide me a good explanation though as to why and she did make me understand.
The last time we were together was when I was rejected repeatedly by the mother of my daughter. I was dumbfounded when she told me she found, what she thinks is someone she can be with forever. A pinch was all I felt but as soon as the feeling subsided I felt that she was happy. I thought I would be jealous but I didn't, somehow both my mind and heart agreed that we would never wish anything else for her but to be happy. Then it was that smile again, That smile that could make everyone sigh, it made me feel better when I felt cast away, just like what the mother of my daughter did. I was in fact I was surprised that I wasn't.
She did give me a lot of good advice about moving on, seeing other people, start life anew. It was difficult but I would like to thank her for keeping my dark side at bay and showing me the light at the end of that tunnel.
So, Nikki, this post is dedicated to you. Thank you for the laughter, the best advice I've heard from anyone, and the companionship for those multiple situations when I felt rejected and forced down in to a hole. Thank god you were there to get me out or my daughter would have known a different father besides me.
I've pulled you out of your own hole and taught you what I have learned and in turn did the same to me. I wish I could find someone just like you since I assume that everyone I tried to love has found someone else better than me. I just wish everything was different and we would once again conquer the world both alone and together.
I Miss You.