Since Monday last week, I have been meeting with a friend. A single mom struggling to make ends meet and attempts to keep her kids close to her as much as possible. We usually just gab about random stuff but it always boils down to one thing, relationships. She always has issues with her last beau (who is the father of her last child to boot!). If I am not mistaken they have already broken up after a couple of years of missed opportunities to create a family. Well, things had to break down eventually if none of them would cooperate. I tried cooperating a few times on my own but as I told her I think pride has it's own pedestal and chose me to get out of the situation, not that I had a choice but I was never a really convincing person.
Everybody keeps asking why I got out of the situation yet continue to shell out for my kid. I love my kid, it's simple as that. I can only do so much though and I am sure that eventually I will be at the losing end but it does not matter. I've already prepared myself for the fact that soon enough, I will be ignored, unrecognized, and even forgotten. I will not be surprised, in fact, I am half-expecting it to happen.
I always tell my friend the single mom that they are lucky as they had the benefit of being together and they watched their kid grow up together. I would have given a lot to experience that but alas I am very unlucky. For most people, it is indeed a sad tale but so far I have never shed a tear, simply because I can't cry now matter how much I try. It would be a nice, seething feeling to get everything off your chest once in a while but that was already taken away from me. I am so full of emotions, I can't seem to distinguish which is which.
I think I am empty.
I think I am just pretending to be
I think I am lost
My friend made a comment saying I am lonely. Well, I always have been so that is nothing really new. I do have friends but I do not have anything to call my own. In fact, I am actually surprised how I got through everything on my own without anyone actually helping me. I was told I was a real tough nut to crack and 'till now that hasn't really sinked in yet.
I plan on changing this way of life. It's about time I did. It has to be gradual though. I plan on eliminating all (or at least most) of the debts that were made under my name before the year ends. I'm getting my daughter an educational plan as most likely the last thing I can give her that she can use and slowly be an obscure figure of her past. By that time she may already be recognizing someone else as her father figure (Like I said, I half-expect a lot of things to happen). Nevertheless, I am proud to say that I at least supported my daughter in some way. Tell me how many people do that without asking for anything? I believe my daughter is that lucky that I didn't bail on them and I was never given the chance to choose or at least the opportunity to work on it. Like I said, they are lucky but luck can last only as long....
Now, it is about time I have to be selfless to myself not to others anymore, I am alone and will probably always will be. It's a path that was laid before me and I dared myself to struggle on the least used path that only few have chosen.
Perhaps then, things will be better.
We will see...
Mood: Vent Out
Listening to: Two Solitudes - Level 42