Sunday, January 13, 2008

Kids Say The Darndest Things

Kids can say the darndest things. Innocence can be funny at times. Here's a couple I've either heard of or read off other people's testimonials....


I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in a convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran
to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and
said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too,
then 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.


On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."


A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child
said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to
talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen
a little boy before?"


While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes", I answered and
continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I
should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told
her. "Well, then, " she said as she extended her foot toward
me, "would you please tie my shoe?"


It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you
got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy
looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"


While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I
found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit." "And why not darling?" "You know that it always
gives you a headache the next morning."


While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, then had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made
ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen
to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his
version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be the
Faaaather, and unto the Sonnnn..... and into the hole he goooes."


A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk!"


A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible; he picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in-between the pages. "Mama, look what
I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's underwear!"

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